Let it be known that I will not tolerate bullying in any form, whether it be at school, in the workplace, or in the home.
I feel that there is a general lack of understanding among the majority of people regarding what bullying is and does. Where a person has never been affected by bullying then it may be understandable that he or she might not have a personal reality on the subject. What is totally unforgiveable, however, is where someone sets him/herself up to give advice, and that advice is just plain wrong or even damaging.
At a first glance, it appeared that Dr. Irene’s website actually gave some promising advice about verbal and emotional abuse at home. Then I saw this page – http://www.drirene.com/abuservs.php – where the author writes:
A Mini Quiz:
1. What do the abuser and the victim have in common?
They both are responsible.
2. What is most out of balance in their relationship?
Power – the abuser has it all.
OK – here’s the first challenge. Read Dr. Irene’s first and second questions on her mini-quiz, and tell me what you see.
Did you spot the contradiction?
She goes on to say:
The idea for this page was spawned by a highly relevant phrase a reader used in a recent email: “Without a victim, there is no abuse.”
No, Dr. Irene, without an ABUSER there is no abuse. A woman (and it is usually a woman) doesn’t enter an abusive relationship wearing a hat on her head saying “victim”. A victim only becomes so because the onslaught of verbal and emotional abuse wears her down over time.
Dr. Irene then quotes an email she received from a reader:
“I’m a 51 year old female, married to the same man for 29 years and just discovered Pat Evans’ books on Verbal Abuse. I also read the book Boundaries and many of Melanie Beattie’s books on Co-Dependency. Subsequently I am learning to set boundaries for the first time in my life, recovering although slowly and gradually from codependency AND recognizing verbal abuse and just realizing how many controlling and abusive people I have allowed to trample on my self esteem and inner peace. Not only my husband but also some friends, my sister, and my 3 daughters have been abusive. I have been the codependent people pleaser, and hoop-jumper. The more I attempted to gain the intimacy and approval I longed for, the worse the abuse and control would become. FINALLY its like a “DUH” to me…I see that it takes two to tango. Without a victim there is no abuse”.
With the very greatest of respect to this lady, if she had really read Patricia Evans’ books and taken on board what Evans says, she would know that abused partners are NOT co-dependent. Few people choose to “allow” others to trample on their self-esteem, it is a process that starts with the abuser making a few utterances or engaging in a few minor behaviours that first of all surprise or confuse his target. Over a lengthy period of time, the abuse gradually moves up a notch, and then another.
Evans also stresses that, where such a couple seek therapy, it is VITAL that they go to a therapist who has experience of dealing professionally with verbal abuse and understands the dynamic at play. Otherwise, the therapist may simply assume that the couple have trouble relating to one another and assign an equal share of the responsibility to both partners for sorting out their relationship dynamic. She warns that when this happens, the abusive partner may feel empowered or mandated to continue with his established pattern of behaviour, since “The Doc says it’s your fault too, of course.”
Dr. Irene asserts:
This lady “got it.” She understands that in her need to get stuff from other, she allowed herself to be mistreated. Nobody made her do it. Her power is in her recognition and acceptance of that fact as well as in her freedom to purposefully act otherwise. She recognizes the damage she allowed to be inflicted on her self esteem and inner peace. She understands that she is the gatekeeper and caretaker to these essential parts of herself. It is up to her to clarify her limits and permit no trespass.
While taking responsibility for your own life may sound terribly lonely to the uninitiated, it is the most wonderful and natural place to live!
No, Dr. Irene, I’m very sorry, but your correspondent is about as far from “getting it” as can possibly be.
If a person is allowing herself to be mistreated, and allowing damage to be inflicted on her self esteem and inner peace, then what an onslaught of psychological warfare must have been waged against her over a sustained period of time!
No one “accepts” that sort of behaviour just like that. If an abuser behaved badly on the first date, there would be unlikely to be a second. The only way such a behaviour pattern can become entrenched and escalate to the point where the victim’s self-esteem has been destroyed is because it has been established incrementally.
Personal Responsibility
The abuser and the victim do not take responsibility for themselves.
The victim gives away the store to get love and approval. The abuser expects the loved one to give them the store. Or else…
This bargain does not work because the exchange of care taking duties are no substitutes for self-esteem, self-regard, and self-love. Esteem et al can only be granted by the Self. They must be earned, and cheating doesn’t work.
Responsibility starts with recognising who instigated the behaviour. There is such a thing as “wrong cause” – incorrectly blaming self for situations that were in fact caused by another. Police stations regularly get all sorts of nutcases “turning themselves in” when news of a murder appears in the press. Blaming self for a situation that another caused is on about the same level of (ir)responsbility.
If the abuser is ranting and raving, who should correctly be named as the instigator of the tirade?
The author continues on a similar theme for some paragraphs, repeating in different words and phrases the general themes above.
During the course of her writings, either she pre-empted, or perhaps someone else pointed out, the fallacy contained therein, as further down she writes:
On Blaming The Victim
Some may interpret that this viewpoint somehow blames the victim. Not so. Neither the victim nor the abuser are off the hook. Each has to work out their own stuff, which has absolutely nothing to do with the other person’s stuff. There is no other way out. Nobody can do it for you.
Oh dear. This is so ridiculously simple, I shouldn’t be having to spell it out: If an abuser is abusing, then the “stuff” is coming from HIM! What the target did was be on the receiving end!
You know, I wonder if anyone has actually carried out any case studies where the abuser persists in engaging in his abusive behaviour, but the target, having received some training in human behaviour and recognising what he is trying to do, responds accordingly.
It seems unlikely that the abuser, faced with such a scenario, would simply say, “Oh, alright then”, and give up trying to abuse. It is more likely that he would step up the pressure to try and wear his target down. Again, this is not the target’s “stuff” – it is HIS!
If someone commits a serious crime, only the defence lawyer argues that it was the victim, rather than his client, who was responsible for the crime (and then that’s because it’s his job). Why should bullying and abuse be regarded differently?
SevenSigma Project 